Seems like at least 3 months since I've really had any motivation to do anything besides go to work, play my guitar a little and watch television. 6 months ago I was in a great mood 6 days out of 7. Ready to go and do things on a moments notice and now I can't seem to get my ass in gear and do anything. The intention is there but the desire and execution are severely lacking. Which, for me, is really frustrating. I mean it's me and I'm doing it to myself but it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything to myself. I thought about it most days during the entire month of September. I posted my last blog about goals that I never really even lifted a finger to reach. I feel like a sail boat stuck in the calm of the open ocean. I feel like things are happening to me and I'm not at all in control of what direction I'm going or where I will end up. Worst of all? I know I'm doing this to me. I'm the root cause of all of it. I'm simultaneasly the cause and the effect.
I made the decision almost three months ago to change jobs and I don't feel comfortable in that transition yet. The job is great, the people are great, most of my customer's are very easy to deal with, I am closer to home AND I get paid way more to do essentially the same job. But I still feel a little uneasy and unsettled with the transition and when I try and communicate that feeling to someone they look at me like I'm crazy. Like I should be greatful to have what I have and shouldn't spend a moment futzing over it. Am I happier here than I was at my last job? Hell yes. Am I less stressed at the end of the day? Most certainly yes. The problem is I still feel out of place and that makes everything else in my life seem out of focus.
I'm frustrated with myself right now. I know I have the ability to meet and exceed any goals that I set. I know I do and yet last month I set goals and didn't even try to reach them and that feels like failure. But damnit I got up every morning and went to work, I paid all my bills on time, I didn't crash my car, I didn't forget to tip any waiters and I didn't kill anyone when I got angry. Damnit that's not failure that's freakin' success.
Right now though, right now, I think I should focus on the basics for a while. So with that in mind here are my goals for October.
Goal One - Write one new song
Goal Two - Pay all of my bills on time
Goal Three - Post a weekly update to the Clydesdale blog about goals for October
Goal Four - Clean my bathroom every Sunday morning this month starting 10/9/11
Goal Five - Start dusting my bedroom and bathroom
Goal Six - Do my laundry once a week and put it away
Goal Seven - Get to work on time everyday for the rest of October
Goal Eight - master the minor pentatonic box 1 and major box 1
Goal Nine - Start up the tbens music blog with a monthly "Top 25" list of my favorite songs right off of my iPod
Frankly I think that's a damn good set of goals right there. But there aren't any weight loss or fitness goals?!? Meh get over it. I'm looking for victories on my goal setting not losses. I need some freakin' wins cause right now it doesn't feel like winning. It feels like losing and I don't like to lose.
Other things I might work on... I might be working on a basic home recording studio and I might record my own "album". I might also start walking pretty regularly again sometime this month. I miss walking in the mornings but it was so much easier to do that when I don't have to be at work til 9. I can totally get up at 7 and be at work right at 8 which is a huge improvement from 5 years ago. Go ask Ed Hacker, owner at First Stop Auto on Clays Mill, how many times I showed up on time in the 2 years I worked for him.
Anyway... This is my blog. These are my goals and that's my update.